Papa’s Words

I feel somewhat awkward publishing this information, but felt it would be worth it and that it has a special meaning. In May of 1995, I (Kim Siever) married Mary Golbeck. I came from a family of one sister, three stepbrothers, one half-sister, and two half-brothers. Mary came from a family of three daughters and four sons. My mum has six children in her family, and my dad has eleven. I suppose it was in our blood for each of us to want many children.

Well, like most newlyweds, at the sign of absence of Mary’s period, hurriedly got a HPT and checked to see if she was pregnant. She was not. She had an irregular cycle, and every month that would go by over 28 days, we got ants in our pants and butterflies in our stomachs.

Two months would go by, then three months, four months, five, six …We weren’t sure when it was going to happen. We were worried that something was wrong. Everyone kept assuring us that it took a year to get pregnant. Well, finally, 10 months later, we got a positive HPT result in March. It had finally worked, and we were so excited. We were going to be parents.

We had already picked out names for our children before we got married, and we started figuring out what we would call this child. All I could think about was what it would be like to come home from work and hold my little boy (I kept think it would be a boy, and it got to the point where we were both saying “he”), and play with him as he got stronger. How he would grow up and call me “Papa” as I had always dreamed. How I would take him downtown and show him the bathrooms of the fancy hotels that had automatic faucets in the sinks, and show him how to scare is Mum.

We were so excited! We had the What to Expect When You’re Expectingbook, and followed it to see how our baby’s progress was going. It was very elating when we hit eight weeks and found out his tiny heart was beating. He was alive; and he was ours. I remember coming home from work sometimes and laying my head on Mary’s belly, so I could feel close to my WHOLE family. I felt more complete.

When we had reached ten weeks, Mary went for an ultrasound and we found out that the baby was no longer the size it should be for 10 weeks. The technician also said he could not see the heart or the placenta. Mary was shocked, and cried the entire way home. She told me the sad news when I got home from work, and I was in denial – partly to give Mary a place to lean on, and partly to give me a place to lean on.

Mother’s Day the following week was very hard for us. Mary still had the baby in her and we had not told anyone – I guess we figured it would all get better. Mary got Mother’s Day cards and everything. When we got home afterward, Mary cried on my shoulder for a long time. It was difficult for me to comfort her.

At 3:00 the following morning, Victoria Day (Memorial Day in the States) – May 20, Mary had to go to the bathroom, and that is when the blood all gushed out. It was only a few minutes until the placenta followed (so much for the technician’s theory).

We left for the hospital. It was a quiet ride. I could not be in denial now, it was happening. I had to wait outside the examination room while they prodded my companion. It was difficult not being able to be in there with her when she needed me, and I needed her. I had to sit on a yellow plastic chair as if I was an expectant father from the 50’s.

They finally let me in after about 20-25 minutes. I was in there when they dilated Mary to examine the uterus, and she gripped my hand hard.

We went to an empty child’s recovery room and slept for three hours while we waited for the obstetrician to let the attending doctors know if Mary needed to have a D & C. Luckily, she did not. Then it was home we went.

That was a difficult day for us. It does not take much for the life of a family to be turned upside down. For the joys, hopes, dreams, and smiles to be thrown away. Sadness is a predator and the unfortunate are its prey.

We picked out a name we had not come up with yet – Ravine Meadow Reine Siever – it seemed non-gender enough. This page I wanted to use to leave a memory for him.

You gave us so much happiness Ravine. Your mama and I love you a lot, and we miss you. We hope we will be able to meet again. Send us your brother or sister soon.

Papa’s little boy.

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